Mama in the City since 2008 and blogging since 2009!

Love And Marriage: When Infertility Speaks Loudly

February 20, 2011 // Uncategorized

“First comes love.
Then comes marriage.
Then comes the baby in the golden carriage.”

Most couples in a long term relationships have had that talk about having children. They’ve had romantic chats about how many children will make up their future family,or maybe they decided to never have children and remain as 2. Either way, a discussion has gone down at some point in the relationship about babies.

What happens to couples when they have dreamed and planned about expanding their family only to have no biological baby come their way? Would you choose the marriage or seek the dream of the baby?

Last night I had a thoughtful conversation over dinner with some dear friends about this exact topic, and it intrigued me and made me think. When I met my husband we had our chat about having children and thought that 2 babies would make up our ideal family. I had an innate desire to experience motherhood and it felt natural to go that direction. I wanted babies and I wanted to be a mum, that much I knew for sure about life.

We now have a sweet boy and we are starting to get excited at the idea of trying for another baby in awhile. Yet, other couples have headed down the exact same path as us and struggle with trying to make a baby. Sometimes hormones and medications are introduced, specialist appointments are booked, charts and calendars are studied, injections and in vitro are put into place. But that doesn’t guarantee a baby will be made.

The question is: if you found out you couldn’t have a biological child with your current partner, for any of the numerous reasons that exist, would you stay in your marriage or end it to seek out that baby you want?

I don’t have an easy personal answer but I know a few things. I know the desire to have a child can be so strong and I know that it is natural to become overly focused on the journey of trying to get there. I know that sometimes through the process of struggling with infertility, your own person changes and your focus is different than when you started out. You may have been a blushing bride with flowers in your hair and babies on your brain, but now you are a hungry women craving pregnancy and a baby. Sometimes that biological hunger roars so loudly that your marriage might not support you anymore.

So, do you end your union to each other and go off to try and have a baby a different way? A different partner might bring that baby to your arms. Do you stay in your marriage and accept this turn of events as just the way things are? After all, you fell in love with this person for many complex reasons. I’m sure some of you are thinking, ‘Hello! Why not just adopt?’. After all it is an obvious step to creating a family, but not every person within a couple are interested in that choice.

I’m not sure what I’d personally do if I was faced with being unable to have a child after enduring years of trying to conceive. Does love rule all or does the urge to reproduce stand strong? Tell me what you think.



About the author

Hi! I'm Andrea, a 30 something girl who loves living the downtown lifestyle and didn't want to give it up once I started a family. Mama in the City since 2008 and blogging since 2009!

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