Tired And Crabby0
Going back to work after this maternity leave has been a bit of a bumpy transition for me. Of course, I am very grateful that I get to do work that is meaningful to me and constantly sparking the birthy side of me. While I’m really enjoying being around all of the labouring mamas (and there has been A LOT of them the last few weeks) I am finding shift work to be very exhausting right now. The night shifts continue to leave me with a hangover feeling reminenscent of a night with too much tequila, and while this is not a new feeling post night shift it is taking me a lot longer to shake it off than it did in the years before.
Awhile back I was sent an old photo of me at a birth back when I was pregnant with Josie. I truly love the work that I do.
Of course, I thought it was a great idea to work a couple of night shifts and stay awake after my last one and be on full on mama duty. No rest for the wicked? This style of living is not for me and I don’t think many people do very good being awake and active for 24 hours or more in a row. I become crabby and short and not the kind of wife or mama that I am meant to be.
I know that ‘this too shall pass’ but the thing is, I don’t want to just let the days and nights roll over me wishing and waiting for an easier time to come around the corner. I want to enjoy these moments and really live my days off with my family and feel strong and healthy and on top of all of those ‘things’. I don’t want to always say, ‘I’m just so tired’ or be plagued by fatigue from working and raising little children. I’m constantly trying to seek balance and I think that I still have a way to go in finding it and figuring out how to make things tick. I also know that this problem is not unique to me. Instead, it’s just my growing pain as of right now.
Just when I think I am at my limit with things, the baby naps for an unheard of 3 hours and my husband cleans the kitchen from top to bottom and I sleep 6.5 hours in a row (I’d really love 9). These little things give me some solace and I start to think that maybe things are really okay. Over time the crabbiness slowly starts to dissipate and I start to daydream about hiring a cleaning team to come and mop my floors and scrub my toilets. Maybe this would help my day to day balance and leave me feeling a bit more rested?
Blowing bubbles in grandma’s back yard. Easter, 2013.
What I know for sure is that tiredness can be forgotten when you look at a photo of yourself. In this captured moment I had gotten off work that morning, had a short nap, then went to Victoria to celebrate Easter with my family. I was tired and hot and sweaty and probably a bit irritable but I love this photo that was caught with my daughter. Just like that I can forget the tiredness.